"Machete don't text..."

Danny Trejo looks like Charles Bronson would have if he'd spent a couple of years working out in a prison weight room and then fell into a cement mixer. A former San Quentin inmate turned actor, Trejo's badass charisma inspired Robert Rodriguez to deliver the mother of all Mexploitation faux trailers in Grindhouse, so incredibly cool it just had to be expanded into feature length.

Machete is the most satisfying time I've had at the movies since Avatar. Rodriguez is having the time of his life directing and like his Planet Terror half of Grindhouse, does an uncanny job of shooting and editing in full-blown early-eighties late-seventies style -- a guy completely in love with action movies, Machete is overflowing with references to other pulp movies, from Rolling Thunder to Cool Hand Luke and especially Mr. Majestyk.

Trejo is fantastic and carries the movie with incredible ease and conviction. Make no mistake, the movie is incredibly tongue-in-cheek (at times the tongue may even pierce the cheek), but Trejo is all business and the toughest guy ever to grace a movie screen since Vinnie Jones. He's old school antihero and a force of nature in a hysterical yet satisfyingly insane revenge fantasy. I give you my personal guarantee, you won't see a more gleefully violent movie this year.

Machete immediately gets started in high gear, delivering the best James Bond style origin prologue in ages, introducing Machete's arch-nemesis, Steven Seagal -- when you hear the sound effect Seagal's sword makes, you know you're in for a killer experience.

Michelle Rodriguez is terrific, but it's Jeff Fahey who steals the movie -- Fahey must have somehow travelled back to 1985 to shoot his part, how else to explain that his every freaking pore (and superbly gelled mullet) seem to radiate eighties villainous baddassery? He's fantastic to behold.

The one cringe-inducing part of Machete is the substantial role given to Jessica Alba. Her time onscreen makes for some rough-sledding, to be sure. But the movie moves at such a quick, violent and inventive clip, it's easy as hell to forget about her -- especially when Michelle Rodriguez comes back in the picture.

Machete delivers. If you've been pining for a REAL action movie that remembers when, cut off a slice and pass the peppers.

SONS!

Season two of FX's sensational Sons of Anarchy outlaw biker series exploded onto DVD/Blu-ray shelves yesterday. I called ahead to have my friendly retailer hold a copy for me, and it's a good thing that I did, as there was one lone copy left when I got there: "You're like the 30th person to get this today!"

If you're in withdrawal feeling all caught up on Dexter and waiting for the next go-round of Breaking Bad, this is your series! Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman, leads a fantastic cast of antiheroes. We discovered this series near the end of season 2 last year and promptly went and devoured all of season 1 on disc, getting severely hooked. We actually blew through 3 episodes in a row last night and the quality continues to rock and rock hard. Secrets and dark deeds abound in season 2, with an awesome guest turn from Henry Rollins as a scary white supremist.

If you haven't bit into Sons yet, fair warning -- you will get hooked. It's a terrific pulp saga that is as much of an outlaw as the characters it portrays. Season 3 starts next week, so get hopping! Look for a guest appearance soon by Stephen King, likewise a huge fan of the show!