"Machete don't text..."

Danny Trejo looks like Charles Bronson would have if he'd spent a couple of years working out in a prison weight room and then fell into a cement mixer. A former San Quentin inmate turned actor, Trejo's badass charisma inspired Robert Rodriguez to deliver the mother of all Mexploitation faux trailers in Grindhouse, so incredibly cool it just had to be expanded into feature length.

Machete is the most satisfying time I've had at the movies since Avatar. Rodriguez is having the time of his life directing and like his Planet Terror half of Grindhouse, does an uncanny job of shooting and editing in full-blown early-eighties late-seventies style -- a guy completely in love with action movies, Machete is overflowing with references to other pulp movies, from Rolling Thunder to Cool Hand Luke and especially Mr. Majestyk.

Trejo is fantastic and carries the movie with incredible ease and conviction. Make no mistake, the movie is incredibly tongue-in-cheek (at times the tongue may even pierce the cheek), but Trejo is all business and the toughest guy ever to grace a movie screen since Vinnie Jones. He's old school antihero and a force of nature in a hysterical yet satisfyingly insane revenge fantasy. I give you my personal guarantee, you won't see a more gleefully violent movie this year.

Machete immediately gets started in high gear, delivering the best James Bond style origin prologue in ages, introducing Machete's arch-nemesis, Steven Seagal -- when you hear the sound effect Seagal's sword makes, you know you're in for a killer experience.

Michelle Rodriguez is terrific, but it's Jeff Fahey who steals the movie -- Fahey must have somehow travelled back to 1985 to shoot his part, how else to explain that his every freaking pore (and superbly gelled mullet) seem to radiate eighties villainous baddassery? He's fantastic to behold.

The one cringe-inducing part of Machete is the substantial role given to Jessica Alba. Her time onscreen makes for some rough-sledding, to be sure. But the movie moves at such a quick, violent and inventive clip, it's easy as hell to forget about her -- especially when Michelle Rodriguez comes back in the picture.

Machete delivers. If you've been pining for a REAL action movie that remembers when, cut off a slice and pass the peppers.